Triple Meat Medley a la Joss Whedon

“It’s a meat process”
“Doublemeat Palace”
Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Muses, sunsets, birds singing, a firm ripe tomato at the market. These are the things that inspire us to art. Grease-caked fast-food workers are not. Or are they?

The hamburger. From the simple home-burger on plain white bread to the quintessential fast-food classic to the truffle-infused Kobe beef creations of the world’s top chefs, perhaps no other food has so thoroughly become an icon of American cuisine. No matter where you go, you can always find a hamburger. The trick is in finding a hamburger that goes beyond the ordinary to become a meal worth remembering.

We like hamburgers at our house, and we like Buffy. As a family, our all-time favorite television show is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Without going totally fan-boy, let me tell you about an episode. In Doublemeat Palace (season 6, episode 112) Buffy gets the typical fast food job with a uniform so horrible you wouldn’t wish it on anyone you’ve ever met. As Buffy learns in an orientation video all too reminiscent of authentic job orientation videos, the restaurant’s signature doublemeat medley occurs when the cow and the chicken get together and get all “swirly”. Mmmm. For some unfathomable reason, no restaurant seems to have picked up this creation and put it in the spotlight it deserves. So, cometh the Squirrel Squad, a little bit (?) of insanity, and a big skillet.

Triple Meat Medley a la Joss Whedon

Yield: 6 servings

Triple Meat Medley a la Joss Whedon


  • One pound ground chicken breast
  • One pound ground beef (the best quality you can get)
  • Twelve strips of thick bacon
  • One medium yellow onion, sliced
  • The sliced cheese (or cheeses) of your choice
  • The condiment of your choice
  • Worcestershire sauce to taste
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  • 12 hamburger buns (preferably with sesame seeds)


  1. Add salt, pepper and Worcestershire to the ground beef and work in thoroughly. Divide the beef into six patties.
  2. Add salt and pepper to the ground chicken. (We also added Crillo Mojo marinade/sauce for an extra kick.) Work in thoroughly and divide the chicken into six patties.
  3. Fry the bacon over medium high heat. Drain on paper towels and pour off all but two tablespoons of the grease from the skillet.
  4. Fry the chicken patties in the bacon grease over medium high heat for 6 minutes on each side. I know it sounds so bad for you, and it is, but lean chicken really needs the grease to fry nicely and it adds great flavor. Put the cooked patties in a warm oven to keep them hot. Do not drain the skillet.
  5. Saute the sliced onion in the bacon grease until soft. Put the onions in the oven to keep warm. No, you still can't drain the skillet.
  6. Fry the beef patties in the grease over medium high heat to your preferred level of doneness. The better quality of ground beef you have, the less greasy your burgers will turn out to be. Melt cheese on the beef patties.
  7. Place bacon on top of the chicken patties and melt cheese on top of the chicken.
  8. Toast all 12 bun bottoms and 6 bun tops. Save the other
  9. Assemble the medley. Start with a bun bottom lightly coated with the condiment of your choice (ours is chipotle mayo). Top with a chicken patty. Top that with a second bun bottom (no one seems to sell the fabled mid-bun) lightly coated again with your condiment. Top that bun with sauteed onions and a beef patty. Top the whole thing off with a lightly condiment-coated bun top.
  10. Stand back and marvel at the meaty goodness you have wrought.
  11. Eat if you dare and savor the medley. It's Jossome!

Parsley is so a vegetable
How the mighty have fallen

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