Why We Don’t Buy Bagels

We bought bagels at Costco. Sure we bought smoked salmon, but we bought more bagels than smoked salmon and a whole lot more cream cheese. I love bagels. If there are bagels around I will eat them. To the exclusion of other food. When there are bagels, I am a bad person.

“Mom, I’m hungry.”

“You can cook. Feed yourself. Oh, and toast a bagel for me while you’re in there.”

See? Bad person.

I talk about learning to make bagels myself, but down that road lies danger. If I had bagels, my family would starve.

Of course, we will run out of bagels before we run out of cream cheese. Logic would dictate that we would then need more bagels. But it’s Christmas. There are other uses for cream cheese.

Fudge? Yeah, but that’s a whole lot of work.

Some sort of seasoned dip or spread? Whatever.

Cream cheese snowmen? Oh, hell yes.

I grew up eating cream cheese snowmen. They may sound simple, but there’s an art to making them. You have to have 3 balls of cream cheese in the proper size ratio to make a snowman. If the base is too large, it won’t look right. If the head is too small, well, no one wants a pin head snowman.

And then there’s the size. A good one won’t be more than 2 inches tall. Any taller than that, and you would have to take him apart to eat him. That just kind of ruins the spirit of the whole thing. Yes, if you make them bigger you can use pretzel sticks for the arms, but you have to ask yourself if it’s really worth that to lose that one bite of gooey snowman glory. After all, you can always just dip your pretzels in the leftover cream cheese.

So, balls in the proper ration, small size. What’s left? You have to decorate them. Who wants a snowman that’s just snow? Sesame seeds make good buttons, and you can use them for eyes if you don’t have anything else. If you have nigella seeds, they’re smaller and black and perfect for snowman eyes and for making snowman mouths. If you want to go what is most probably overboard, you can dye some sesame seeds red to make noses. Little bitty pieces of carrot work, too, and they make really good arms. That’s what I always got. The carrot is a vegetable, vegetables are nutritious, therefore snowmen with carrot noses and arms are nutritious!

So, salmon runs out, then bagels run out, then the snowmen run out. They say that post-Christmas depression is caused by all sorts of things like weather and family and general stress. But I know. It’s because there are no more cream cheese snowmen.

But while you’re up, stick another bagel in the oven for me, ok? Thanks!

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